Damnable Doubting Disease
Whenever my father, an aeronautical engineer, wanted to explain something to me, he would say “let me draw you a picture.” So I am going to try to draw you a simple picture of what it’s like to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
OCD doesn’t impact everyone exactly the same way but presents in a variety of ways. These presentations vary in theme, frequency, intensity, and duration.
It’s no joke
Despite the jokes we commonly hear about OCD, it is a very serious mental disease. In fact, it's torture. I wish it were only about being orderly or tidy. OCD’s public caricature diminishes the reality of the hell that it is. There are the jokes, the coffee mugs stating “Obsessive Christmas Disorder,” and the statements that if someone is “super clean” and anal about organization, they have OCD. Nope. You can be a complete slob and still have OCD.
You can be a complete slob and still have OCD.
“O” is for “obsession.”
These unwanted, unrelenting “sticky” thoughts can last hours, days or even years. Mine circle slowly as they loom overhead and then suddenly, violently, and painfully crash into my consciousness. Sometimes one obsession will cycle out only to be replaced by another. Other times, they come in like a machine gun, leaving me pummeled and exhausted.
Obsessions are maladaptive interpretations of thought, in which there is an experience of overestimation of threat, an inflated sense of responsibility, a demand for perfection, and an intolerance for uncertainty. Obsessive thoughts have you doubting what you actually know. These mental intrusions are often accompanied by physiological reactions such as: shaking, dizziness, dissociation, heart palpitations, panic, and sweating.
OCD attacks what one values, and withdrawal from once-loved activities becomes the means for survival. For instance, someone who loves working with kids may obsess over whether or not they are going to harm them so they quit their job as a daycare worker, or someone who cherishes their faith will stop attending worship gatherings because it triggers blasphemous thoughts.
“C” is for compulsion.
A compulsion is any act, whether physical or mental, that is used in order to gain assurance and/or quiet anxiety.
Compulsions can include mentally checking facts over and over, re-washing hands or clothes, re-cleaning the home, unrelenting assurance-seeking, endless research on the internet, and repeatedly apologizing. The behaviors can even be “nonsensical” acts such as touching all four corners of the room to “prevent” a plane crash, or avoiding cracks in sidewalks; like in the children’s rhyme: ”step on a crack, break your mamma’s back.” The possibilities are truly endless.
A compulsion is any act, whether physical or mental, that is used in order to gain assurance and/or quiet anxiety.
Many will claim they are “a little OCD.” I would venture to say that is a misstatement. That doesn’t mean that OCD doesn’t vary in severity. It does. However, anyone with diagnosable OCD understands the involuntary and pervasive thoughts, the uncomfortable and painful bodily reactions, and the strong, irresistible, “itchy” urges to compulse.
Beautifully and horrifically creative
The OCD mind is beautifully and horrifically creative as it rolls from one question to the next looking for cracks. The mind is overactive, grasping fringe thoughts that others just dismiss.
It’s like I cannot trust my eyes, my ears, my memory, and what I know about myself. My mind screams for certainty as I feel that I am so evil that I cannot trust myself. Maybe I actually did kill that person and forget. Where is the videotape of my life that can prove I didn’t do these things? Maybe I don’t exist and everything around me is an illusion.
It is a never-ending quest for what is true, real, safe, and right. Nothing feels solid. The OCD brain is so incredibly active. It's as if there are little tentacles reaching out of the brain and grasping hold to minutiae. Anything could stick. Best to isolate and keep the television off. It sounds crazy, this damnable doubting disease.
The paranoia that takes over the OCD mind sometimes gets mistaken for psychosis or bipolar disorder. Such misdiagnosis can lead to a patient receiving the wrong treatment.
The OCD mind is beautifully and horrifically creative as it rolls from one question to the next looking for cracks.
There is another side to OCD as well. Just as one can have horrific fringe thoughts, one can also have creative fringe thoughts as the spinning of the mind grasps onto beautiful ideas. There are times in which I have written tomes in a matter of minutes, as one thought flows rapidly after the next from the information stored in the recesses of my mind. I have awoken to find my mind putting facts together that I had never thought of before. It is an amazing experience to have the mind turn this direction, but it comes with a cost. The mind is not created to work in this manner, and studies show that there is a connection between stroke and OCD.
OCD is not to be taken lightly. It’s painful. It’s real. It's misunderstood. If you can relate to this article, please contact the IOCDF and find a therapist who understands how to accurately assess and treat OCD.
